


Nik's Big Mistake

by stuito55 (annabeth)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Angst, Barebacking, Discussion of Abortion, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, No Ending, One Night Stands, Porns, Stuie is an asshole, Unplanned Pregnancy, body image issues, but not really in real life i'm really sorry, too much plot, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 12:04:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10990578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annabeth/pseuds/stuito55
Summary: Nik sleeps with a married man (Stuie) and suffers the consequences for it.





	Nik's Big Mistake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thesaddestboner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaddestboner/gifts).



> This is longer than I thought! I think it would take me another billion words to finish, and I'm out of the fandom now. :/
> 
> Sequel to [I'm not the scarlet devil](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1251379). Thanks to thesaddestboner for reminding me!

"Hey, Kronner," Stuie says about two weeks later, carrying his sticks to be cut. She's standing nearby, using the blowtorch, and when he greets her she looks up and smiles, even though her stomach kind of hurts and she doesn't really feel like smiling much.

"Hi, Stuie," she says, though. "How was your visit home?"

He looks off dreamily, as if remembering his wife with way too much happiness—Nik tries to squash the jealousy. Just because he fucked her once when drunk does not mean there is a _thing_ between them.

No matter how much she wishes there was.

"It was great," he replies. "Melissa's really getting antsy about the baby, though." He chuckles. "I know I shouldn't, but I teased her about it the whole time I was home. She couldn't stop asking if she looked fat enough yet." He balances his sticks against the wall and reaches for his wallet. "Here, wanna see a picture? She's just over 37 weeks along now. The baby is coming so soon, I can't wait. I'm really excited."

"Oh," Nik says, wondering if she can get out of this somehow. Asking about his wife and family that fateful night in the cab was one thing. Looking at a picture now after she just fucked the woman's husband? _Awkward_.

Stuie stops with his hand half-in his wallet and Nik thinks he's about to get really uncomfortable because he realised that she's not that interested, but instead he pulls his hand free, sets the wallet down on a table, and says,

"Hey, Kronner, you look kind of peaked. Are you sleeping enough?"

"What are you trying to say?" she challenges, but she already knows. She's got smudges under her eyes and obviously appears tired.

"Are they working you too hard?" Stuie comes over and puts a hand on her forehead. "Are you sick, maybe? You didn't look…" but he stops himself before saying, _this bad before I left_ , which is what she thinks he was going to say.

"No, I just… nightmares." She plays if off, ducking out of his reach. His hand on her body—anywhere—is enough to set both alarm bells ringing and hot flashes of arousal coursing through her.

It's been like that since they fucked, and while Nik doesn't regret it, exactly, she doesn't think it helped her crush any. Worse is that, if Stuie notices how hung up on him she's gotten, he hasn't given any sign of it, and that hurts. Maybe not so much Nik's feelings as her pride.

Though late at night, when she's not sleeping much, she admits that it hurts her feelings too. How can he be so cavalier? It's like it meant nothing to him—and after he acted so into her all night.

The morning after, when she had been fighting the hangover, she'd replayed his behaviour—what she could remember of it, anyway—over and over in her mind. And he had definitely been flirting. He had been all over her, hadn't he?

Why he _would_ have been so into her anyway is a mystery. Even if it _does_ hurt her pride, Nik knows she isn't anything special to look at. Probably her best attribute is actually her ability to play hockey with the boys.

Stuie really hasn't seemed to be aware of the fact that Nik has been crushing on him, hard, ever since. He sees her all the time—they are defense partners nearly every game—but he's never been anything more than as friendly to her as he is to any of the other guys.

In fact, this attention to her now? It's probably the most tailored attention she's gotten from him in two weeks.

"What are your nightmares about? Maybe I can help. Cierra likes it when…" but he lets the sentence dangle, probably coming to the conclusion too late that Nik is too old to be soothed by the same things that would help a little girl. Still, it just reminds Nik of the fact that he has a family—and that she traipsed into his life and basically took a share of it she wasn't supposed to have.

"They're really nothing," Nik says, busying herself with the blowtorch again. "Just stupid shit. You know, playoff performance, stuff like that."

"Playoffs are still a couple weeks away," Stuie says with evident concern. "Are you really that worried about it? We could—" He clears his throat, and for a moment Nik thinks he's forgotten the very pregnant wife he has back in San José, that he's going to invite her to do one of those things he suggested back the night they went drinking. But he must remember, because he finishes with, "—go out with the guys."

"No, really, it's fine," Nik reassures him. Stuie pockets his wallet again and reaches for his sticks.

And just like that, the conversation is over. Stuie doesn't even look her way again, which just drives home for Nik how much of a mistake he thinks it must have been.

She finishes up with her sticks and takes them into the women's locker room. Tying her hair back, she begins to assemble her gear on her body, readying for the upcoming game.

But she does feel tired, and with the expectation of her period coming, the last thing she wants to do is obsess over Stuie—but she can't seem to help herself. It's probably the PMS that's making her so moody and withdrawn anyway; making her long for Stuie in a more acute fashion than she usually does.

—

Playoffs have just begun when Stuie's wife reaches her due date, and because there happens to be two days off, he begs to go home and wait and see if the baby is born.

Nik feels both guilty and anxious, as if somehow she has something to do with it. When Stuie sends photos the morning he's supposed to fly back to Detroit, the team all crowds around them so they can see the baby—another boy.

She's really the only one who has trouble mustering some enthusiasm for seeing the new baby, and yet she knows that when Stuie gets back, she's going to be one of the first people he comes to. It's weird, that knowledge; before he left, he still hadn't been giving her any special acknowledgment, but somehow she has the feeling that he's going to expect her to be thrilled for him.

Probably because if he shows her the photos and she coos over the baby, he'll think he can close that chapter of his life where he fucked another woman while his wife was still pregnant, for fuck's sake. Proof that he had been into his wife not all that long ago, and that Nik isn't just a byproduct of a marriage in trouble.

Nik hates that, in the short time she's known him, she really has come to understand him a lot better. Hates that he'll come to her because even if he's been distant, he'll have the expectation that they're friends, and that he'll think she'll be excited about his new baby.

Nik would be more excited about his new baby if not for the fact that, a couple weeks ago, she missed her period. And while she wants to think it's just the stress of the playoffs, she's really not so certain.

But because Nik doesn't want to examine the worry too closely, she pushes it down and concentrates on the playoff games coming up.

—

Stuie does immediately come over to see Nik in the locker room, actually barging into the women's locker room to find her.

"Kronner, hey!" he hails her, and trots over to where she's only half-dressed. But his eyes don't stray, not even a little, and Nik almost wants to get up, strip her towel off, and dance around naked, just to see his reaction. After all, he couldn't wait to get his hands on her a few weeks ago, right?

But maybe he really regrets it now. From the new-daddy glow surrounding him, he's definitely moved on from Nik.

That thought sends a slow roll of nausea through Nik's belly, and she reaches for her stomach, cradling it. It's not like her to get sick like this, but the last couple mornings, she's really felt off.

Stuie catches the gesture and asks, suddenly all concern,

"Are you sick, Kronner? You should see the team doctor."

"No, uh, I think…" Nik tilts her face forward so he can't see the hot blush consuming her cheeks. She knows that, with a wife plus two babies, he must know all about things like this, but she still doesn't want to have to say, _maybe it's just cramps from my period_. Though it doesn't feel quite like that. And it's probably wishful thinking at this point that her period will just show up late. "Is the flu going around?" she asks instead, and chances a peek up at Stuie, who is shaking his head.

"Not that I know of, but you might be the first case. You really should get the doc to look at you."

"Yeah, maybe I will," Nik says. She really feels sick all of a sudden. In fact… "You know what, I'll be right ba—" but she can't finish her sentence because she's covering her mouth and running for the nearest bathroom.

Which, she doesn't make it. She makes it about two feet down the hall away from Stuie and pukes into a convenient trash can, and within moments Stuie's hand is on her back, rubbing gently. It feels way too good considering how awful she feels all of a sudden.

"Maybe it is the flu," he says quietly, in a worried-dad sort of tone. "C'mon, let me help you get to—"

Nik wipes her mouth on the back of her hand and cringes. Stuie produces a tissue from his pocket—probably comes with the territory of having kids—and she cleans off her hand and then her mouth again.

"Nah," she says, not really wanting Stuie to see her if she pukes again. How attractive, right? "I can get there on my own, but thanks."

And then Nik is angry with herself for caring what Stuie thinks, anyway. He's just a teammate. A _married_ teammate. With a brand-new baby. She wouldn't feel this gross around Zäta, or even Lidas—and he's perfect. He probably never throws up.

"When Melissa first got pregnant," Stuie says, "she was sick all the time. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Did you go drinking last night?"

But Nik stares at him, with a dawning horror, as she remembers that buried worry, and that she fucked him bareback, just about five weeks ago. Surely it would be too early. Right?

But the thought sends another wave of nausea through her. She has to get away from him.

What if she's pregnant? She pushes away from Stuie and runs for her clothes.

She's going to the team doctor, _right now_.

—

"Well," Dr. Finley says, coming back into the room. "Congratulations. You're pregnant."

Nik can't believe what she's hearing. It's like something out of one of those pamphlets you got in Sex Ed in school—the scenario where the _one fucking time_ you had sex without protection, you get knocked up.

"No," Nik says, shaking her head, "do the test again."

"Kronwall," the doctor says though, "we did a blood test. It's unlikely to be inaccurate or wrong."

"I can't be pregnant," Nik mutters, picking at her fingernails. She's not even going to think about—no. "Playoffs," she says. "I could miss the balance of the playoffs."

"You could." Dr. Finley regards her with a steady sort of dispassion. It's clear he knows where her thoughts are rabbiting towards.

"No," she says. "You can't tell anyone without my permission, right?"

"Well—"

"You can't," Nik says. "It's in the CBA. You can only divulge certain results if given permission."

"Kronner, this is one of those things that I could, if I needed to—"

"I'm going to get an abortion," Nik says. "So you don't need to tell anyone."

Dr. Finley sighs. It _is_ in the CBA that if a female player gets pregnant and swears she's having an abortion done, she doesn't have to tell the team's front office right away. But usually she has to come back and prove that she's no longer pregnant in a short period of time.

Which means Dr. Finley can't say a damn word, not yet. And they could be knocked out of the playoffs in a few games—she's only risking it for a little while, and that's only if she _doesn't_ have an abortion.

Jesus fucking Christ.

She's going to _have_ to tell Stuie. How can she have an abortion without telling the father she's going to do it? And, well, probably lots of women would just have the termination done, but Nik has too many standards for that.

Maybe it's just that she can't bear the thought of terminating the pregnancy when it's _Stuie's_ baby.

"I've gotta go," she says hurriedly, "I'm going to make an appointment at a family planning clinic. You know." She jumps out of her seat and practically tears down the hall—only to crash directly into Stuie.

She was not planning on dealing with this so soon.

He reaches out and steadies her with his hands on her shoulders, and Nik's stomach heaves again.

"You look white as a ghost," Stuie says. "it's not something really serious, is it?"

"No," Nik says. "It's not terminal or anything." _Unless you consider the fact that it's only the rest of my life._

"Is it the flu? Should the rest of the team be worried?" Stuie teases, and Nik stares up into his face, his eyes, and remembers his new baby back in San José. He's not going to want to deal with this, and why should he?

"Dr. Finley thinks maybe it's food poisoning or something," she lies. She hates doing it, but how can she tell him the truth? At least right now. She's just not ready right now.

"Want me to take you home?" Stuie asks, and Nik feels the remaining colour drain from her face. Too much time with Stuie and she'll probably blurt it out. Goddammit.

"No, no way," she says. Stuie's eyes have been on hers for a while, and it's almost like he's trying to tell her something, but she can't imagine what it could be.

"Kronner—" he starts, but she brushes past him, breaking his hold.

"I'll see you as soon as I'm feeling better," she says, unable to look at him.

They made a baby together, and what a disaster this is going to be: he'll probably hate her—he can barely even look at her now, after they fucked—and she will be alone, unable to tell anyone who the father is. What a homewrecker she's turning out to be.

Nik grabs her stuff from the locker room and heads out, but after she climbs into her car she just sits there, her hands braced on the steering wheel, trying not to cry.

She wants to touch her belly, to see if it feels any different now that she knows there is a baby growing in there, but she's too afraid. She wanted kids—but she told Stuie she would probably never have kids.

And she probably won't, if she doesn't go through with this pregnancy. She already knows that the way she loves Stuie is more desperate than anything she's ever felt for anyone before. And she told him she wouldn't be a single mother. She _told_ him, and then she did this unfathomably stupid thing.

But this is Stuie's baby. It's a horrible dilemma, because she wants to have it because she's in love with Stuie—but at the same time, she can't have his baby.

She _can't_ have his baby.

Nik digs out her cell phone. She can look up a number for a family planning clinic.

She was going to tell Stuie, she tells herself firmly. She had been going to tell him, and she will—after she has the appointment. He can come with, if he wants.

But he's not going to change her mind. There are the playoffs to consider, and his wife, and his new baby. His other kids. She can't bring this on him like a storm he can't avoid.

Nik will not allow herself to be _that person_.

—

Nik towels off after her shower, then drops the towel onto the hamper and stands in front of her mirror. She examines her body, which is something she doesn't ordinarily do—because why would she want to look at that?—but things are different now.

Her belly really doesn't appear any different. She touches it, hesitantly, and it feels a little firmer than she's used to—which is weird, because playing hockey has given her pretty good abs, even if she still has a roundness to it she's not satisfied with.

Remembering Stuie fucking her, she's relieved that he didn't take any more of her clothes off than was necessary; what would he have thought of her? He probably would have been disgusted; God knows she is.

Her breasts are small, pointy. They aren't really round, which is disappointing; though, when she turns a little to the side, she can see a puffiness to the nipples that wasn't there before, a curve that is more pronounced than before. Well, at least being pregnant has made her breasts slightly more attractive.

Nik sighs and shrugs into a t-shirt style nightgown. She ruffles her hair to get some of the excess water out and then pads into her living room, flopping onto the couch to watch TV until it's time for bed.

Dinner had been horrible. She'd tried to cook something that would be appetizing, but by the time she'd finished, she couldn't stand the smell of it anymore. It had made her want to throw up, and so she'd covered the food and put it away in the fridge—who knows if she'll ever be able to force it down, though.

Flipping through the channels, Nik thinks about Stuie, about what he might be doing right now. Maybe he's on the phone with his wife; maybe she's emailing him videos of their new baby. Nik groans and covers her eyes with her arm. She has to stop thinking about this. Has to get it out of her head. He _has_ a new baby, why would he want another one?

Especially one with her.

"I'm not going through with this," Nik says to her empty condo. "This is not going to drag me down, either."

There's no response—obviously—and it makes Nik long for some company, and not like, the guys watching terrible movies with her or eating junk food, but… but she's ashamed to admit she wants Stuie there. She wants him to be in her condo, and not just for a visit, but like he belongs there.

"What is _wrong_ with me?" Nik wails, scrubbing at her face to try and stave off tears. Goddammit, she never used to cry like this. "He's married, someone else got there first, you idiot," Nik berates herself. She yawns and thinks about crashing, even though it's earlier than she'd usually go to bed.

She flattens her palm on her belly. "I'm sorry, baby, but I can't do this."

Her cell phone rings, but when Nik checks the display, it's Stuie. And she really doesn't want to talk to him right now. Plus, what is he doing calling her _now_? There were all those weeks when he could have called her, could have sought her out at the Joe after games… all those weeks when she would look for him in a room, and he'd catch her eye and duck his head and glance away.

"I'm not talking to you," Nik says to her trilling phone. She feels a stupid sort of childish satisfaction in saying it.

She grabs one of the throw pillows on the couch and hugs it to her chest, resting her chin against it. The phone finally stops ringing, and Nik closes her eyes.

She doesn't know how much time has passed when the TV wakes her up. At least, she thinks it was the TV, with a loud explosion in some movie she's never seen, until she hears the doorbell amidst the other ambient noise.

"For fuck's sake," she says, tossing the pillow aside. Getting up makes her a little bit queasy, and she swallows down the need to puke so that she can go peer through the peephole.

It's Stuie. Of course it is. He would never just leave it alone.

Nik sighs and unlocks the door, undoes the chain and opens the door.

"You shouldn't be here," she says petulantly. "And if I had wanted to talk to you, I would've answered my phone."

"C'mon, Kronner, don't be so harsh. I was just worried about you."

"Shouldn't you be at your apartment Skyping with your wife about the baby?" Nik snipes, and wonders if her rotten attitude is because of hormones or if she's always had this petty meanness lurking inside of her.

Maybe being pregnant just draws it out.

Does she imagine the flinch at her words? Stuie's face colours a little.

"The baby is asleep," he says, but he sounds uncomfortable, like being reminded of his wife while standing on Nik's doorstep is something he doesn't like.

"You might as well come in," Nik says, and steps away from the door so he can enter her apartment. As badly as she wanted him here earlier, now that he's here, she wishes she was alone.

Stuie doesn't immediately plop down on her couch like he normally would. He just stands awkwardly in the middle of the living room, staring at Nik as she shuts the door; even though he's clearly trying to be ninja about it, it's so obvious.

"I'm not going to break," she snips.

"I know that," Stuie says, but he sounds vaguely uneasy. It's like he knows something she doesn't, not the other way around. "Kronner, look, I—"

"You should just go home," she interrupts, unwilling to listen to platitudes or excuses or whatever he's planning on laying on her.

But Stuie ignores her. Figures, after all that time ignoring her at the rink, now he's not listening to anything she says, either.

"I haven't been…" he pauses, eyes rolling up a little, as if searching for the right way to phrase what he wants to says. "I was ashamed," he settles on, finally.

"Of course," Nik says, a bite to the words. "So am I, for what it's worth."

"No, you don't understand, not really," Stuie says. "You have no reason to be ashamed."

"Don't I? I fucked you too, you know. It was a stupid thing for us to do."

Stuie definitely winces at that. "Maybe it was," he allows, "but that wasn't exactly…, no, I was ashamed because I didn't treat you very well, and I felt guilty, so I compounded the problem. The truth is, Kronner, I think I fell a little bit in love with you that night, and I didn't want to face it. I really still don't, but—"

"Just stop," Nik says tiredly. "I don't need or want declarations of soft, romantic feelings. I am not a wilting flower that needs to be watered with sweet words. I know what happened. I was there."

Stuie steps forward. "Nikki," he whispers, cradling her face in his hands. She should flinch away, break the contact, but she doesn't. It feels too good. And then she can feel a tear roll slowly down her cheek and Stuie's eyes go soft and sympathetic. "I only regretted it because I can't commit to you," he explains.

Nik swallows heavily and hopes the rest of the tears threatening to break through the dam don't. Her stomach whirls and she thinks maybe she's gone pale, because suddenly her face feels cold—her body too, all over, and then she's relaxing against Stuie without conscious intention and he's grabbing for her, laying her back on the couch.

"Just how sick are you?" he asks. His eyes track down and catch her hand hovering above her belly, and then she can see something shift in the depths of the blue, an understanding. Shit. "Nikki," Stuie says, sitting down on the couch near her feet, "tell me the truth. I mean it. Be fucking honest with me; I was honest with you."

"I—" But Stuie seems to sense the lie. He shakes his head, and he doesn't even have to speak; Nik feels incredibly guilty and like a little kid who's just been scolded. "Don't make me do this," she settles on.

Stuie closes his eyes, puts a hand to his forehead for a moment, then opens them again. They clear and he regards her. "Are you pregnant?" he asks baldly.

Nik thinks maybe she's gone as white as the walls in her living room. How does he know? How could he have guessed?

As if he's read her mind, he says, "It was something I said earlier. I believed you at the time, but you're too upset and…" he stops as if his realisation has just sunk in. "You're pregnant." It's not a question this time.

Nik nods miserably. He knows; what's the point in denying it?

"And it's mine," Stuie says, his face shifting into an expression of dismay. "Oh. Oh, shit."

"Yeah," Nik says, allowing herself to put a hand over her belly now. "Don't worry about it," she tells him bracingly. "I'm going to take care of it."

It's Stuie's turn to pale. "No," he says. "No, don't you fucking dare."

"Stuie, this is my body, my choice and I—"

"But it's my baby too, and I don't want you to fucking _murder_ it!"

"Well, you don't get much of a say!" Nik shouts. It makes her head pound. Stuie glares at her, the blue of his eyes turning sharp like icicles. He jumps up from the sofa.

"If that's what you want…," he yells too. "But don't expect me to forgive you! I know it would be—could be—difficult, but I still wouldn't fucking want to kill it!"

He storms over to the door, and before Nik can utter another word, he's gone.

Oh, shit. What has she done?

—-

Nik makes the appointment anyway, no matter what Stuie has said or might say in the future. She hangs up the phone feeling nauseated, upset down to her last synapse. She doesn't even know if she's doing this for herself or for Stuie or what, anymore.

An abortion isn't the end of the world, Nik is fairly certain of that. But she still feels used up, like a discarded tissue. If she goes through with this, Stuie will likely never speak to her again. And besides that, she'll be terminating what is most possibly the only piece of herself and Stuie she would ever—could ever—have.

If she goes through with this, Nik knows she'll never forgive herself, either. But the alternatives are almost too awful to contemplate. Having the baby means destroying more lives than just her own. How could she have a baby with Stuie without his wife eventually finding out? That would be horrible. It would wreck Stuie's marriage, most likely, and Nik already knows that if he had to choose between her and Melissa she wouldn't even rate one vote.

He already said he was sorry he couldn't commit to her; doesn't that automatically mean that he's not going to do anything that would jeopardise his relationship with his wife? Which this baby would do—it's stupid for Stuie to tell her not to have the abortion. It's stupid for him _and_ for her.

Maybe the worst part is knowing that Stuie and his wife just _had_ a baby. He obviously doesn't need another one so soon, and not from Nik, either; what they had, what they did, was more than just a mistake, it was a wild presumption on both of their parts.

Stuie deciding that he could fuck Nik, and Nik not turning him away, was such bad judgment. They both knew it couldn't go anywhere. With his pregnant wife and kid already, he was both committed and dedicated to her and his family. Cheating on his wife with Nik hasn't changed that, and she knows it all too well.

But this baby changes _everything_. 

—

Nik is the last person to find out that Stuie invited his family to come visit. She doesn't even know about it until Melissa and the kids are already there, and then the only reason she knows is because she comes into the Joe to see Dr. Finley again and overhears Stuie talking about it.

She's been avoiding practises and games for a few days, saying she's sick, reluctantly backed up by Dr. Finley because she had already told him she was going to have the abortion done.

So she goes into the Joe to tell him face to face when her appointment is and runs almost smack into Stuie and Lidas, which is very unfortunate, because she comes to a halt just around the corner of the hall, and ducks back so that Stuie won't see her.

 

Nik is the last person to find out that Stuie invited his family to visit. Since making the appointment with the family planning clinic, she's been to the Joe to see Dr. Finley, giving him the information about her appointment. Other than that, she's been relegated to off-ice workouts and skating by herself.

By this point, Babs knows about the pregnancy, but he's been sworn to secrecy simply because he, too, has to keep to the provision in the CBA allowing her to keep it as secret as possible till the procedure is done.

Nik told Babs herself because she couldn't keep playing, not now, and while he's allowed her to work out and keep coming into the Joe, it bites her in the ass the day she arrives ready to do some core strength training and finds Hank waiting by her stall.

" _What is it, Zäta?_ " she asks, defaulting to Swedish. Hank turns her around towards her locker and says, in a hissed whisper,

" _Maybe you should go home today; Stuie is here with his family._ "

Nik can feel her face go slack with shock. His family lives in fucking California—just what the fuck is he _thinking_ , doing, bringing them here just days after finding out Nik is pregnant?

It wasn't that long after her one night stand with Stuie that Hank had pulled her aside and pointed out she was giving him way too much attention, like a mooning calf, and that if she kept it up, _everyone_ would notice. Otherwise, Nik never would have confided in her friend, no matter how close they've been since back when they played together as teenagers in Sweden. 423

Maybe it's _supposed_ to be the slap in the face that it feels like. It's entirely possible that Stuie's too angry to think straight, and asking his family out to Detroit, to parade his wife and new baby in front of Nik, is meant to make her feel guilty about her own choices.

And even though Hank has warned her, Nik doesn't manage to grab her stuff and get out of there before Stuie rounds a corner, holding a bundle of blankets and laughing with the drop-dead gorgeous blonde walking beside him.

The woman—who is obviously his wife, Melissa—does _not_ look like she just had a baby. Her hair is smooth, long and perfect, and her body is svelte, not the slightest roundness in the wrong place despite just giving birth—not like Nik, who has never been able to banish the round curve of her belly with as much exercise as she can stand.

Of course she's beautiful. It makes Nik feel like a weed next to a rare bloom. She glances down, wondering just what Stuie ever saw in her in the first place. With a woman like that, why in God's name would he choose to cheat at all, never mind with Nik?

Stuie, too, is looking better than ever; he's positively glowing and his complexion is rosy, his eyes bright, and the baby in his arms isn't entirely the focus of all that positive energy. In fact, despite holding his newborn, he seems entirely focused on Melissa and what she's saying. Nik, for her part, is so distracted by the very _sight_ of them that she isn't even aware of what they're discussing.

Who is this man? She slept with him, she's played numerous games as his defence partner, she's talked to him—but she's never seen him like this. He's outgoing with Melissa, gregarious and relaxed. He's never been this easy with Nik. She can feel her face flush with yet another comparison to his wife. What is she thinking?

Nik is used to Stuie being quiet and reserved, thoughtful before he speaks, generous with his praise and his time but not so much with his words. The argument they had, when Stuie lost his temper, is one of the few times Nik has ever seen him upset enough to lose control.

She supposes he had a right to lose control, but doesn't she have the right to do what she wants with her own body?

Hank is suddenly next to her, tucking his arm into Nik's.

" _Let's go, Kronner,_ " he says. " _Watching them isn't going to make you feel any better._ "

Zäta's right, of course. But before Nik can sidle past them down the hall, hoping not to be noticed, Stuie's eyes flicker away from Melissa, landing on Nik. Immediately his features tighten, the soft openness of before vanishing like morning fog.

"Honey?" Melissa says, petting his arm to get his attention. "What's the matter? You seem so tense all of a sudden."

It's obvious that he is, too. Now that he's seen Nik, it's as if his eyes are caught on her, trapped and unable to glance away. He's not even really listening to his wife anymore. She pets his arm again, then wraps his fingers around it and squeezes gently to gain his attention.

"Babe? What is it?"

Stuie finally tears his eyes away from Nik, but the overall muscle tension as translated to the baby, which has started to cry, fretful little noises and movements that predict the explosion to come.

"I-it's nothing," Stuie stammers, and Melissa reaches over to take the baby. He quickly adds, "You're sure Cierra will be okay watching Jake?"

"Of course," Melissa reassures him. "She's done it plenty of times, and it's just for a short while. You haven't been around to see her, that's all. She's perfectly competent. You've upset Logan," Melissa admonishes. "I know you're not used to babies, but you have to be delicate, aware of their temperament. They pick up on your emotions."

"I know, I'm sorry," Stuie says, and for the first time Nik feels a little bit sorry for him. It's true that he hasn't gotten to spend much time with his newborn. She doesn't think he spent a lot of time with his first son when he was a newborn, either. He probably really _doesn't_ know much about taking care of an infant—not that Nik does either, for that matter. But it occurs to her that he could learn, if she were having his baby.

Obviously that's backwards, all wrong; Stuie would have no right to be helping raise Nik's baby even if it was his too, not when he couldn't raise the legal child born to him and his wife.

"You seem a million miles away suddenly," Melissa remarks. She holds the baby easily with one arm while reaching up to touch Stuie's face with the other. He almost flinches away from her, and Nik realises that she's been standing and staring, caught up just as much as Stuie is in the tableau unfolding in the hallway.

"I just, I thought I might have left the oven on," he says, clearly trying to cover up how much seeing Nik has thrown him. If he reacts like this during a game they will surely let up a goal, possibly even lose the game.

"Hey, Stu," Nik says as casually as she can manage, forcing her legs to carry her towards Stuie, then by him, then further down the hall. She doesn't mean to, consciously, but she looks back anyway.

Stuie's looking over his shoulder, and their eyes meet. What might be a faint apology is shining in his, but Nik girds herself against and turns away.

He's not going to change her mind, that much she's certain of; just like she's now certain he brought Melissa and the baby to the Joe so that Nik would have concrete evidence of what she's doing—or not doing, as the case may be.

But whatever Stuie's thinking or doing, Nik has made the plans, she's done the best she can to prepare herself mentally; she can't allow her resolve to waver.

Stuie has a baby, one he's clearly pleased with, and Nik is nothing more than an interloper in a happy family, like the cuckoo in the nest. 

—

Later at home, Nik is cuddled up on her couch, a cup of hot tea between both hands and a slow roll in her stomach. She's actually not really nauseous—no, this time it's anxiety unsettling her belly.

She can't stop thinking about Stuie. He hasn't left her mind since she left the Joe, and Nik just wants to banish the unruly, unhappy thoughts someplace dark and distant.

Unfortunately, she keeps picturing Stuie in her head, with his model-beautiful wife and newborn held lovingly in his arms, and it makes Nik's lungs seize, her chest burn as if her heart has stopped beating.

She wants that with Stuie. Nik has no right to it, she knows that—of course she does—but she still wishes she could have him. That one-night stand just drove home, like a painful stake to the heart, how much she wants him to be hers. And he never will be.

Nik is going to have to learn to be content with that. It just sucks. Remembering how he looked today, how close he and his wife obviously are, Nik questions yet again why Stuie would bring her home and fuck her. It makes no sense.

The worst, though, is that her appointment at the family planning clinic is in two days and she doesn't know how she's going to convince herself to go. After being so close to his baby, and knowing that all she has to do to have the same thing is to do nothing, is ripping her up inside.

It's not like her to be so irresolute, especially once she's made up her mind about something, but then again, it doesn't surprise her that it would be difficult to just do away with a pregnancy without any misgivings. It's just, she has so many. She has so many, and her only real incentive to go through with it is so she doesn't wreck Stuie's marriage.

Maybe Stuie is smarter than she thought, to show her what she'd be losing, because the longer she sits in front of the TV, not hearing or seeing anything beyond her own thoughts, she realises she can't go through with it.

This is just as much Stuie's fault as hers, and Nik doesn't want to lose what might be her one chance at motherhood because it might inconvenience Stuie. It's still true that if his wife found out, it would be a terrible mess.

But Nik can't justify killing her own child just to save _Stuie's_ marriage. Why should she? This is her life. She won't tell anyone who the father is, and she doubts that Stuie's going to be all that willing to offer the information. The only person who might suspect is Zäta, and her teammate isn't going to say anything; Nik knows she can trust him.

Nik blows out a breath and puts her tea down on the table. There's really only one thing left to do, if you don't count canceling the appointment. She picks up her phone, swipes down the screen, and makes the call.

"Hi, Stuie," she says when he answers. It's possible his wife is sitting right beside him, but frankly, at this point, Nik doesn't care. "You were right," she says. "I'm not going to go through with it." She pauses a brief second, but sucks in a deep breath and continues before he can say anything. "I just wanted you to know."

Then she ends the call. She doesn't want to hear anything from him, possibly ever again.

But then she cups her hand over her belly. She's going to be a mother. The sudden thrill of it, the wash of happiness, leaves Nik almost dizzy. 

—

Once the decision has been made, Nik realises she's going to have to tell a whole bunch of people about her predicament. Dr. Finley, for one, is probably going to look down his nose in disappointment at her, for saying she would do something about it but changing her mind.

The thing is, Nik can't bring herself to be unhappy about this pregnancy anymore. It's almost as if deciding to keep the baby wasn't just the right decision, it was the _only_ decision—she's never been quite this upbeat before.

Her teammates notice it, too, when she goes into the Joe to tell Dr. Finley, Babs, and Kenny that she's pregnant. Even the thought of missing the playoffs and part of the next season doesn't deter her from her happiness. She's really going to do this: she's going to have a baby.

The first person she comes across walking down the hallway is Lidas, and knowing she's all smiles, she waves.

"Nick!" she says, probably more cheerful than he's ever seen her. He smiles back at her, though, and she continues walking.

In the weight room, doing the treadmill, she can hear some her teammates as they walk past and through the halls and rooms and the locker room.

"Kronner seems awfully chipper, doesn't she?" Ozzie is saying to Drapes, and Nik giggles a little to herself. She _adores_ Ozzie the way any defenceman loves their goalie, plus a little extra because he's such an asshole and shit-stirrer. It doesn't surprise her at all that he's the first one to really notice.

"Huh," Drapes replies, then glances up and sees Nik at the treadmill as he comes in the room to work out. Cheli and Drapes are probably the most workout-crazy guys she's ever been around. "Heya, Kronner," he greets, and whaps Ozzie on the shoulder. Ozzie winces theatrically.

"Watch it, I'm not wearing my padding! If you hurt me Babs will be pissed—"

"Fuck you, Ozzie," Drapes says. "No need to open your mouth and remove all doubt of your idiocy."

Nik laughs and turns the treadmill off. "You guys are too much," she says.

Everything is easy and sweet this morning, amusing and in general going good until Stuie walks in. His face is dark like an impending storm, his blue eyes narrowed at her.

"Uh oh," Oz says. "That doesn't look good."

"It's none of our business," Drapes tells the goalie, and they both pretend like they're not listening.

Nik knows they are definitely listening, however.

"This is fucked up," Stuie says. "What are you trying to do?"

"I don't understand," Nik says, feeling the confusion muddy her thoughts. "I thought this is what you wanted."

"But I didn't want you to tell my _wife_ ," he growls, low and voice uneven.

"But I didn't," Nik says in surprise. "I—" But then she stops to think. She dialled his cell phone, she knows that, but she also knows she didn't give him the slightest chance to speak. She runs back through what she said in her head, but she wasn't particularly specific in what she told him. "Stuie, why would your wife be answering your cell phone?"

"Because I was in the shower," he says, still sounding sharply angry.

"Did it ever occur to you," Nik says with gritted teeth, trying to keep her own temper, "that maybe you should be asking yourself why she's upset? Because—"

"You practically told her I was having an affair!" Stuie explodes, and Drapes and Ozzie both stop and stare. Nik flushes, knowing that Stuie never raises his voice, never loses his cool. This must be very bizarre for everyone.

"I did no such thing," Nik flares. "And besides, maybe you should think about why your wife would consider that as the first explanation for my words."

"You know what, Nik, don't bother," Stuie says. "I'm done with you. I love my wife. I'm not cheating on her. I told her I wasn't, I didn't, and she accepted that, but it's not _her_ fault that you have some kind of hero worship for me. If you value your dignity, you'll leave me alone."

He spins on his heel and storms off, leaving Nik stunned and absolutely blown apart, as if a bomb has gone off inside her body. How dare he? How _could_ he? Maybe he was angry… but to imply that she had invented the entire thing?

And worse, to say so in front of their teammates, and to lend credence to any affair they might have had when she starts divulging the information that she's pregnant?

It's almost as if he's trying to force her _not_ to keep the baby now. That if his wife suspects anything now, it would be worse if all of a sudden Nik turns up pregnant. Nik fights back tears. All of her previous happiness has vanished. She can't even summon one iota back to the surface.

It's not anything she would have ever expected from Stuie, especially not after the way the night they spent together had gone. And not after he'd confessed to feeling something for her just a few days earlier.

Nik ties the shreds of her dignity around herself like a shroud for her hopes and dreams and hugs her arms to her chest.

Maybe, for what it's worth, Stuie's anger will eventually simmer and cool, and he won't be so furious. But Nik doesn't think she really wants to have anything to do with him after this. He plied her with pretty words, but as soon as something difficult cropped up, he backpedalled so fast she got whiplash watching it.

"It's nothing," Nik says to Drapes and Ozzie, who are both still staring at her in shock. "He's just upset because I must have spoken to his wife and she must not have realised I was his defence partner and not some strange woman with his phone number. Don't worry about it."

She wipes sweat from her forehead and trots out of the room, almost immediately bumping into Lidas again. He takes one look at what is probably a completely whipped expression on her face and says, voice smooth and soothing as always,

"Do you wanna talk about it?" 

—

"He really said that?" Lidas asks, one eyebrow rising in concern. He's speaking in English, which Nik thinks is because he's just so used to it now. Sometimes, in the locker room, if he's being a Captain and trying to educate the Swedes, he sometimes switches to their native language. Nik sighs but she doesn't ask him to indulge her.

"I was shocked, to be honest," Nik says, shrugging one shoulder as if in confusion. "He never struck me as the type of guy to be so downright mean."

Lidas knows, now, about both the one-night stand and the unfortunate unplanned pregnancy that resulted. Nik is okay with this, because he's always there for anyone that needs him, and he's also discreet and will never divulge her secrets to anyone. He's probably the safest person she _could_ tell.

"I'm sure it was just a gut reaction," Lidas consoles her. "He'll come around and likely will apologise."

"I don't know," Nik says helplessly. "Do I want him to apologise? I don't even know that. This morning, when I woke up, I was happy because of this baby for the first time. Now I'm questioning everything. Beyond just Stuie, going through with the pregnancy leaves the team in a lurch, and I… I know I'm needed here." This last bit is hard for her to admit; she prefers modesty over arrogance, but this is also true.

"You need to care for yourself first," Lidas tells her. "And you decided to keep your baby. Don't let Stuie make you feel guilty, or feel bad, about your decision. This was your decision to make, you made it, only _you_ can tell yourself if it's the right or wrong one."

Nik stares at her lap. "But now I don't know. Maybe I'm just being overly sentimental."

"Nikki," Lidas says gently, "if you feel like it would be killing your baby, and you can't go through with that, it's not being overly sentimental. It's listening to yourself and your own ideals and valuing them. There is nothing wrong with that."

"Nick," she says, chancing a look at his face—honest and open, not a hint of disapproval anywhere—"I want to just, I don't know, thank you, I guess. But I still feel like I'm going down the wrong path somehow."

She's amazed that Lidas hasn't admonished her for sleeping with a married man, but he seemed to accept that without question and hasn't offered the slightest bit of judgement on her admittedly bad choices.

"Good luck," he says, waiting for her to stand up before he does. He pats her on the shoulder and offers one last nugget of information as she's preparing to leave. "I accidentally got my wife pregnant three times, Nikki. Things like this happen."

Nik smiles at him, knowing it's limp like old lettuce, but she takes it for what it's worth and walks out of the little storage room where they've been talking as privately as they can. She still has to talk to Babs and Dr. Finley. And Kenny, of course.

This is just going to be one long day of hard conversations and admissions. 

—

"I'm pregnant," Nik says uncomfortably, shifting in the chair across from Kenny's desk. She knows Babs is standing behind her, and Kenny glances up and presumably meets the coach's eyes. Nik has already informed Dr. Finley that she's going to keep the baby and cancelled the family planning appointment.

"How far along?" Kenny asks. His voice is surprisingly mild, possibly deceptively so. Nik can't tell if he's angry at her for being so careless. "And how did this happen?"

"At least a few months," Nik mumbles, intent on her lap like it holds the secrets of the universe. "And it was an accident. I… Well, I was stupid."

Babs adds, quietly but no less forcefully, "She won't say who the father is, and I've decided that's less important than the simple fact of what is. I hope you'll agree. In the meantime, we need to put her on the injured list and call up a defenceman."

"Of course," Ken replies. Nik glares at her slightly torn, rough fingernails. She's been biting them ever since she had to start telling people about her stupidity. "I don't think we should inform the fans just yet of the reason for her absence, especially if she's not comfortable divulging who the father is."

Nik sighs. "It's more complicated than that," she tells them reluctantly, but knows it needs to be said. "I really fu-screwed up. I slept with someone who is married and I shouldn't have. I can't ever, and I do mean ever, tell anyone who the father is."

"Does the father _know_?" Kenny asks, face slightly pinched inward.

"Yeah. But he's not… uh, he's pretty furious about it, actually."

"Who else knows about this?" Ken asks. "How much damage control does PR need to do?"

"Nick," she answers. "But you know he won't say anything."

Her phone beeps, and Nik almost jumps out of her seat. She hadn't realised how anxious she was until that unexpected sound registered. Trying to be covert about it, she slips her cell out of her pocket and turns it over.

The display reads, **New Text:** _Stuie_.

"Well, all right," Kenny says. "Be healthy, Nik. Take good care of yourself and your body and come back as good as you can."

Nik almost doesn't hear him, she's so confused by Stuie texting her. He had been so thoroughly infuriated earlier, and now this? But she nods to Kenny, mumbles goodbye to both the GM and Babs, and sidles out of the room to read the text.

_We need to talk._

Four words that would strike at the nerve of anyone's heart, Nik thinks.

_Meet me at your apartment._

_Okay._ She texts back. She doesn't really want him anywhere near her living space right now, but she also doesn't seem to have much of a choice.

What could he possibly want? Nik could've sworn he made his desires perfectly clear in the weight room.

She shoulders her hockey bag and her smaller messenger bag and heads for her car.

Her heart is jumping within her ribcage and her palms are sweating nonstop. She's never been so worried, so vibrating with anxiety, as she is right now. 

—

Stuie is waiting on the steps when she gets home. He looks like he's been there awhile, too. Which Nik finds confusing, because he was just with his family a short while ago. Hank had told her that Stuie left practise early because his step-daughter had some kind of thing she wanted to do and Melissa wanted to stay at Stuie's house with the baby.

"What are you even doing here?" Nik asks. She probably sounds furious, and she figures she has every right to be. After the stunt he pulled, he's lucky she's not throwing him off the apartment building's stairs.

Stuie's got his hands in his pockets and an expression of deep discomfort on his face. She can see him fiddling with something—his keys, lint?—inside his pocket.

"I was wrong," Stuie says. "I hope you can understand. I was just… I wasn't even really angry, just scared. Nik, if she found out… she might go back to California and take the baby with her. She might not let me come home. I'd lose my family."

Despite her disgust with his behaviour, Nik can feel her heart contracting with sympathy. What he says is probably true—and it's unlike Stuie to lie or lead someone on (she doesn't think he's ever cheated on his wife before)—and Nik knew going in that he was not unhappy in his marriage. She encroached and she had no right; what right does she have now? She has no claim on him.

"Yeah." She starts up the steps, sidestepping him to unlock the front main door. "It's a mess."

"Kronner—Nikki. I want… Look, we can't tell anyone. I know that. Can I come in?"

"I think it's best if you don't," she tell him, feeling some of her earlier pique come back. "You have definitely done enough, as they say."

"Just for now," he pleads with her, looking like a woebegone puppy. "Just so you can hear me out."

"So far," Nik steps in, "all I've heard are excuses, and not a single true apology. Go home, Stuie. Be with the family you love so much."

He must detect the sarcasm in her tone, because he says, quite defensively, "But I do love them. The problem is, Nik, I think I love you too."

"Yeah? Well, too bad," she snaps. "Now get off my front porch." If he doesn't leave soon, she'll invite him in. If he doesn't take a hint, she'll fall for the sad puppy and the beautiful blue eyes—her heart can't take the hint, it seems.

"I'm sorry, Nik," he says softly. "Truly. Not just for the unwise and angry words I threw at you like weapons. But for the whole situation. Everything."

"Thanks," she says. "But you got what you wanted, didn't you? I'm not having the abortion anymore. And yet somehow, I'm alone and you're angry with me."

"I'm not anymore," he says. "Please."

"Go home," she says, and shuts the door in his face. She immediately leans back against it, wondering if he put his hand on the door; somehow still able to feel the heat of his touch.

It's too bad, really. She might have forgiven him. Maybe she still will.

But what he did was cruel and wrong, and even if she _does_ forgive him, she's going to let him sweat it out awhile. 

—

Nik spends the next few days alone in her apartment. Some of her teammates call, but she's not in any kind of mood to talk to anyone.

The truth is, though, she's moping over Stuie, and she doesn't want to get caught doing it. Not only would it make her appear weak—and a female hockey player can't afford that stigma—but she can't explain herself to anyone anyway.

Except maybe Hank, but he would probably tell her she's being stupid, which is, of course, true. So what if Stuie was mean to her, she's not a baby. She had better learn to deal with things like an adult, too, because of the baby on the way, no less. Even if he apologised… Nik knows that there's no reason for this depression, but she still finds herself plopped on her couch for hours, with the lights off, watching whatever bad television happens to be on while trying not to think about Stuie.

It's hard, though, not to think about the father of one's child. Harder still to admit to and come to terms with the fact that the father will never be a part of her baby's life.

What will she tell him or her about their daddy, when they get old enough to start asking questions? She would love to be able to say he was a great defenceman in the NHL… but her kid is likely going to have to make do with mom being a defenceman in the NHL, though having this baby is probably going to ruin her career, and then she'll just be one more washed-up former NHL player. 271

Once or twice, Nik is almost compelled to reach for the phone and call Stuie's apartment number. She doesn't know if Melissa and the kids are still in town, but she has an almost fatalistic compulsion to tell her the truth.

What would she do? Would she be willing to forgive her husband for cheating, since it was only a one-night stand anyway? It isn't as if, after all, Nik and Stuie formed some sort of permanent connection. Well, maybe Nik had some of her fantasies come true, but Stuie probably—hopefully—doesn't realise that.

Nik is still embarrassed by her feelings for Stuie, for the enhanced crush she's had ever since they fucked, and Stuie confessing to her—however briefly—has had ratcheted up the tension for Nik. Now, she wants him to be hers more than ever, perhaps because he never can be.

Because he clearly doesn't want to be. An apology for harsh words is not the same thing as saying, "I love you," and it would be weird, anyway, since Nik isn't even sure that what _she_ feels for Stuie is love. It's probably nothing more than a physical attraction that she's glorified in her mind until it seems like something much more.

God, she's so stupid, and naïve. Like a little schoolgirl with a fruitless fancy, she's been slobbering over Stuie in her head since he joined the team—of course she'd fuck him if she got the chance, right? But she's paid the price for that foolishness—with the rest of her life.

Nik buries her head beneath the pillow on her bed and holds her breath for long moments, just lost in misery. She gave Stuie her virginity, and she should have known better.

She _did_ know better, in fact. If only she had listened to the little voice that had told her to slow down, to calm down, not to do anything she couldn't take back.

She gives up and releases a huff of breath and just lies there, body feeling overly weighted, and not because of the baby, either.

Her cell rings, but Nik doesn't want to explain herself to anyone. She knows the team is going to be checking up on her, because at least for the moment she's a valuable asset, but how long will that last?

Sighing deeply, Nik surfaces from under her pillow and snags the phone off the nightstand. Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression? Or whatever you might call such a thing. She doesn't know, but she's definitely depressed.

Her mood drops a few more levels when she spies the name on the screen: Stuie.

Fuck him. Wait. She already did that. This time she's not going to be so stupid as to let him screw her.

Rejecting the call with a message, Nik sends his number to the auto-reject list and plops her head back down on the bed.

Her stomach rumbles, possibly from hunger. She's been to low to do anything much lately, from simple things like eating enough to the more complex like seeing a doctor for her first check-up since she learned she was pregnant. She knows she ought to be taking prenatal vitamins and doing other things to be healthy, but she can't quite work up the energy to take care of those things.

Placing her hand over her belly, as if she can already feel the baby growing there, Nik drifts into a light slumber.

—

Zäta puts up with Nik ignoring him for a week. Then he shows up on her doorstep with a tureen of chicken soup and a sheepish smile that is nonetheless undercut by a fierce determination. After seeing the way he plays on the ice, Nik knows she won't be able to just brush him off, so she lets him come in, even though she hasn't washed her hair in three days and she's wearing stupid bunny slippers on her feet. 658

"You're not taking care of yourself," he accuses, taking in her lank hair and her fluffy pajamas. "You know you need to look after that baby now."

"I know," Nik replies. She sinks down onto her couch and stares morosely at the floor. "It's just so hard to get excited about it now."

"That will likely come, in time," Zäta says, "but for now it's not about excitement, it's about the health of your unborn baby."

"Yeah, I know," Nik says a little defensively. "I'm working on it."

"Have you talked to St—the father?" Zäta asks. Obviously they both know who it is, but it's kind of Zäta to pretend he doesn't.

"I don't know why I would," she says a little snappishly. Then her shoulders slump. "I'm sorry, Zäta, that was unkind; it's not your fault he's a dick."

"Does he not want anything to do with you now?" Z asks, sympathetically. He makes a clucking noise with his mouth and Nik shrugs.

"Maybe he does," she allows, "but I don't really want to deal with _him_. This whole mess is his fault."

Z raises an eyebrow, setting the chicken soup down on the coffee table and sitting down in her armchair. Nik readies herself for a lecture—she's definitely earned one.

"Did you use a condom?" Zäta asks. Nik shakes her head and pretends her bunny slippers are the most interesting things she's ever seen. "Were you on the Pill?" Nik slowly slides down on the couch as if she can hide. Z groans. "Nikki! You can't pin this all on him!"

"Well, I was really drunk! He got me really drunk, okay," Nik bursts out.

"Did he _rape_ you?" Z asks fiercely, incredulity written all over his face, Then she feels even worse.

"No, of course not!" she cries. "But he didn't exactly… Oh, I don't know. We were both drunk. It seemed like such a good idea at the time."

"I think you're probably suffering enough consequences," Z says, "but still. You… Kronner, were you…?"

"It's not like that," Nik protests, flushing fiercely. The heat in her cheeks is incredible; it probably rivals the chicken soup's warmth. "I just… I don't even _know_ , really, Z. You've gotta believe me. I just wasn't thinking."

"Call your doctor tomorrow," Z instructs, "and I'm going to pick you up and take you there as soon as you can get an appointment. I'll skip practise, whatever, if I have to," he says, holding up a hand to forestall her argument. "I know you'll take care of yourself better if you just get started, and I'm going to help you do that."

"I understand," Nik says, defeated. This whole thing is pretty much done her in.

"Okay, well, eat the soup, Emma made it," Zäta says. "I'm gonna go. Call me tomorrow. And at least think about calling the father."

"I blocked his number," Nik says sheepishly.

Z just shakes his head. Maybe it's because she's pregnant—she hopes it's not simply because she's a _female_ teammate—but he hugs her on his way out the door, which is unusual. The Wings are all demonstrative, but it's usually only on the ice, where nothing and everything matters and nothing is misconstrued.

Too bad she didn't remember that before she fucked Stuie.

Glumly, she ladles the soup into a bowl, realising she's thinking about him again.

The soup tastes delicious, the first thing not to make her insanely queasy in weeks. It's also comforting, which probably both Z and Emma knew it would be.

She's slipping away into sleep on her couch, unplanned, when her landline rings. Somehow, she knows who it's going to be, but she's half-asleep and exhausted, out-of-it, and picks up instinctively.

"Kronner?" his voice is a tangled mess of worry and guilt.

"Oh. Hi, Stuie," she says. She pulls the afghan up over her more thoroughly and feels a little guilty herself. Obviously he's been a nervous wreck since she's been avoiding him. But ruthlessly she squashes the guilt and says, waking up more fully, "I'll call you when I want to talk to you. _If_ I ever feel like talking to you again."

And then she hangs up. Let him stew on _that_ for awhile. 

—

_With pain comes strength_ , Nik thinks, as she buttons up her jacket and prepares herself to go see the doctor for the first time. It's true—every injury in any game has taught her this, as did losing her father at a young age—but this pain is almost unbearable, nothing she's ever been readied for. It doesn't even make sense.

 

Nik is sound asleep on her couch when a terrible clenching in her belly wakes her up. Her panties feel sticky, and a shot of panic spears through her.

She almost twists an ankle throwing herself off the couch and running to the bathroom, where with some terror she strips out of her clothes to find the red spots of blood on her underwear.

"No," she whispers, in shock and fear. "No, no, no."

Quickly redressing, pajamas be damned, she calls Z, crossing her legs against the possibility of more blood, and waits on tenterhooks for him to answer.

When he finally does, he must have known it was urgent, because he doesn't even sound mad—just worried.

"Nik? What is it?"

"A pain in my stomach woke me and I'm bleeding," she says in a rush. "What do I do?"

Zäta immediately sounds more awake. "Sit tight, I will be right there. I'll drive you to the hospital." But before she can thank him, he also says, "And you should call the father. Just in case."

"Just hurry," Nik pleads, and hangs up after Zäta promises to be there in five minutes. Nik thinks he's going to speed, but she's so worried, so afraid, she can't bring herself to care. In the back of her mind, though, is the knowledge that if she has a miscarriage, it will solve all of their problems without her having to have made the actual decision herself.

She promptly hates herself for even entertaining the thought. Now that she's having the baby, she _wants_ the baby.

Calling Stuie isn't as easy as it might seem, though. Nik is pretty sure his wife is still staying with him, and there's no way he's going to be able to justify leaving in the middle of the night… and yet, Nik knows and understands that he must be told. But how? Even if she calls his cell phone—provided he sleeps with it nearby—what can he do? And his wife is probably in bed next to him.

Another pain, this one not quite as bad as the first, rumbles through her belly. Nik bites her lip to try and suffer through it, but her fear is making it seem worse, making every second feel like an eternity.

It's pretty clear she has no choice, though. Stuie was wrong when he said those horrible things to her. His apology doesn't change the fact that it happened, even if he did admit he was wrong. But Nik will be just as wrong if she doesn't tell him his baby might die.

A baby that he doesn't want, maybe. Most likely, really. But he didn't want her to have the abortion, and she remembers how he was with his littlest. Stuie is not going to be able to take this easy, if she loses the baby.

Nik runs around, grabbing her house keys, her phone, and another blanket to wrap around herself, then, without giving herself another second to think—and perhaps talk herself out of it—she rings Stuie.

"Dude, the fuck?" he mumbles when he answers on the first ring. "'m sleepin'."

"I know, Stuie, I'm sorry," Nik says in a rush. "I just needed to tell you I'm bleeding and going to the hospital. Go back to sleep."

But of course he doesn't. "What?" He sounds more awake already. "Bleeding how?"

"Like… like I might lose the…" she can't say it. He'll figure it out; if Melissa is lying next to him, she's not going to admit to being pregnant.

"Oh my God," Stuie gasps, almost like it's all one word. And then, Nik's other worst fear at a time like this: Melissa saying, muffled and distant,

"What's wrong, hon? Who's on the phone?"

Nik half expects him to hang up in a panic, but then _she_ panics even worse when Stuie answers.

"One of my teammates is pregnant. She thinks she might be losing the baby."

Okay, clearly Stuie is not thinking this through. _Why_ would he tell her that?

"And she called you?" Melissa, to Nik's ears, definitely sounds suspicious. "Why?"

"I-I'm not sure," Stuie lies, but Nik can hear the faint ring of untruth. She's afraid that Melissa can too.

The bell rings, which means Z's there and Nik needs to buzz him in.

"I gotta go," Nik says hurriedly, then hangs up. Stuie's probably in the process of trying to delay her, but she's already across the room pushing the button to open the front door so Zäta can come in. Her landline rings moments later, reminding her that she blocked Stuie's number, but she ignores it.

Nik doesn't wait for Z to make it all the way up the stairs; she meets him halfway down, and he gives her another hug, then keeps his arm around her shoulders as he walks them both out to his car.

Nik isn't feeling anymore pain, and she's not consciously aware of bleeding anymore, but she's not about to call the whole thing off. There's a little bright spot of hope forming inside her, though.

Maybe it's not too late. 

—-

"Sometimes a little bleeding is normal," the doctor tells Nik a quarter of an hour later. "Spotting happens, and the exam we did suggested very little actual blood. The pain, we can't say what caused that, but the baby doesn't seem to be in any distress. The heartbeat is clear and steady. However, I would recommend taking it easy for the next few months.

 

Nik is already leaving the hospital when Stuie shows up, also in his pajamas. His hair is a tousled mess and his face is creased with worry.

"Kronner?" he says, tentative. "Are you… is everything okay?" He looks like he wants to rush up to her and take her into his arms—which would be very unwise—but he doesn't, he just stops and stares at her, eyes flicking down towards her belly, as he can somehow magically divine whether his baby is still there.

"What are you doing here?" Nik asks, trying and failing to keep the note of anger out of her voice. "What must your wife think?"

"She's asleep," Stuie says. "I snuck out."

"Great. Wonderful. Cheating, lying, sneaking out of her bed—you're a real charmer. I don't know what I ever saw in you." But she does, that's the trouble. He's still beautiful to look at, and even though of course it sounds bad for him to leave his wife in the middle of the night to check on a baby he's having with another woman, Stuie did do the thoughful thing and show up to see Nik.

Well, sort of thoughtful anyway.

"Nik, please," Stuie says, then it's like all of a sudden the blinders have come off and he realises Z is standing next to her. "What is he doing here?"

"Did you think I drove myself?" Nik asks snidely. Then she sighs. Rudeness and constantly sniping at him aren't really making her feel better, and she's just stooping to his level, now, anyway.

"We didn't think you could come," Z breaks in to the tense silence. He puts his hand under Nik's elbow and begins walking her out to the parking lot. It's on the tip of her tongue to tell Zata that she's not sick, and he's being very touchy-feely, but it some ways it feels nice and, besides, Z has been anything but judgmental. He doesn't deserve sandpaper treatment.

Technically, Stuie doesn't either.

Stuie trails them, face wearing a lost expression, as if he's… dear Lord, is he _jealous_? What a thing to realise, considering he's married with three kids and Nik can't be that important to him. Yet there he is, staring daggers at Zata.

"I'm fine," Nik says. "The baby's fine. Some spotting, and the stomachache could have been anything. Right now everything looks fine. But I'm just supposed to take it easy, just in case."

She doesn't glance back again, but she can hear his sigh of relief.

"Nikki," he says. "Wait. Stop."

It's obvious that Zata doesn't want her to heed him, but Nik sighs too and halts.

"Let me take you home. Please."

Nik can practically hear Z growl. It's pretty clear who he blames for all this. For the record, Nik agrees that Stuie's been a self-serving jerk lately. She ought to say no. She opens her mouth to say no.

But she simply sighs out a yes instead.

"Zata," she says, "thank you for everything. But I guess I do owe Stuie something."

"You really don't," Z complains, but Nik shakes her head. 

"Everyone deserves a second chance."

Z pats her arm. "Call me when you get home," he says, almost as if he thinks Stuie is going to abscond with her or something. She waves Zata off to his car, then places a hand on her hip.

"You had better make the most of it," she tells Stuie, who grimaces, obviously well-aware of the thin ice he's standing on. 

—

"You're sure the baby's okay?" Stuie asks anxiously as he drives. He keeps glancing at her worriedly as if afraid she might suddenly keel over or something.

"Yes," Nik says. She's resigned to this car ride, but she's still displeased with Stuie overall. Showing up at the hospital and making sure she's all right is one thing, but it still doesn't excuse his previous behaviour.

"Kronner, I really am sorry—"

"You said that already, but I just… I don't buy it. Why don't you tell me why you dragged Melissa and your kids all the way out here after I told you I was pregnant?"

Stuie cuts a look at her again, this time his expression definitely guilty.

"I don't really know," he says. Nik thinks maybe he's lying, until he says, as if admitting this as much to himself as to her, "I missed them. It was like, you're having a baby, and it… Nik, I wanted to see my family." He pauses, apparently screwing up his courage. "I _had_ to see them, because if I didn't, I thought I was going to go crazy looking at you. I needed the reminder. _I_ did, not you, is that what you were thinking?"

"You want me to believe that… wait, what are you even saying? And don't tell me you love me." Nik crosses her arms over her chest, suddenly acutely aware of the fact that she's in her blood-stained pajamas.

"I don't know if it's love, Nik, but it's a pretty strong magnetic pull in your direction." He pauses, turning a corner. "You know why I tried to ignore you after we slept together?"

"Not really," Nik says. She chews on her lower lip. Stuie's eyes track to her mouth, to her bottom lip between her teeth, and he clears his throat, almost as if he's forgotten what he was going to say.

He snaps his gaze back to the road, but Nik caught a flicker of unbearable longing in the blue depths, and for a moment her heart stutters, her resolve weakening with it. He probably couldn't put that kind of emotion in his eyes on a whim; probably wouldn't bother trying to get her to talk to him, to confess, if he isn't at least _somewhat_ sincere.

"I kept telling myself I was married, over and over again, as if that could convince myself that I didn't want you too. But the truth is, I asked you out for drinks because… because my wife was in San Jose and I was lonely, and you were just… so sweet, and pretty. God, that sounds idiotic."

"Yeah, you think?" Nik says. She turns her face to the window. The streetlights make the white lines on the road glow as the car passes them, and it makes Nik feel like she's rushing towards a destination in her life that she isn't prepared for. That she hadn't planned on.

"I was asking you out," Stuie confesses. "I knew it was a bad idea, but… I couldn't quite help myself. And when you decided… you know, that you would be with me that night? I felt like the luckiest man in the world."

"Of course you did," Nik says acidly, "you got to fuck a virgin _and_ you had a wife back home. What man doesn't feel lucky to get as much pussy as he can? Honestly. I thought you were different."

"Trust me, Nikki, I was not thinking about my wife when I was in bed with you. That was the trouble. By the time I asked you out, you were practically all I could think about."

Nik tries to steel herself, but she's softening, she can feel it, and it's stupid. Maybe it's the hormones.

"And, for what it's worth, I didn't get turned on because you were a virgin, and _that_ was the thrill, Nik, I got turned on by it because it was _you_ deciding to share that with me. I didn't know you were a virgin beforehand, remember?" Stuie pulls the car into her driveway and throws it into park. "Can I walk you inside?"

_I don't think you should_ , Nik thinks, even says, "You shouldn't," but then she's crumbling a little, weary from all of the trauma of the last few days, the emotional rollercoaster, the soul-choking fear that she was going to lose her baby. "Okay." She unbuckles the seatbelt and opens the car door, but somehow Stuie's there to offer his hand before she can even put one foot on the ground.

She grasps his hand, and it's warm, solid. Callused but obviously so strong, and Nik weakens a little bit more. He lets go of her hand once she's standing, but he shadows her to the front door, waits for her to key it open, and then, when she doesn't stop him, he follows her up the stairs to her apartment. 832

As soon as the door to her apartment is closed, Stuie grabs her in a bear hug, burying his face in her neck.

"I was so worried. I've missed you so much."

She thinks she can feel wetness against her skin, and tries to pull free, push him back.

"Are you _crying_?" she asks incredulously. What right does _he_ have to cry?

Stuie tightens his hold on her. "Please don't make me let you go," he says, his voice the timbre of a soft plea by her ear. "I never should have let you go. I took you for granted. You're so reliable on the ice, Nik, I thought… I guess I just thought you'd always be there to catch my pass, even the hard ones."

Nik pushes ineffectually at his chest anyway, before giving up and loosely wrapping an arm around his firmly muscled back. It does feel really good to hold him again; no matter what else has happened between them, she's missed this. Him. His scent, his comforting closeness. Ever since she has sex for the first time, she's wanted that intimacy back.

But not, unfortunately, with just anyone. No, she's been craving Stuie, and of course he wasn't around. Well, he was in the locker room. But he wasn't available to _her_.

Of course, now that he's pressed up against her again, she's stuck thinking about the terrible things he said and did. She wants to tug away from him, reinsert the distance that he had put there in the first place, but instead she sniffs and thinks about how close she came to losing both Stuie _and_ her baby. The last little bit of him she had left, before this precise moment anyway, and if she had lost that, she would have been truly alone. It didn't seem so hard to throw up walls against Stuie before that.

Now it seems impossible, and inevitable that he would raise his head, lift her chin, and stare into her eyes.

Nik meets his beautiful blue eyes unflinchingly, wondering if that tyrant who said those terrible things is in there somewhere, but if he is, she can't find him. All she sees is the same man she had an enormous crush on a few months ago.

When Stuie moves to kiss her, Nik doesn't resist, even though she knows she should. Her eyes slip closed and she sighs against his mouth, the softness of those full lips, and wonders what his wife would think if she could see them now.

Would it bring back the ogre that Stuie was that day?

"Nikki," he breathes into the kiss, and she inhales. He parts their lips by mere centimeters and brushes his thumb along the outer edge of hers. "I never thought I'd kiss you again."

"You shouldn't be," Nik says, but when his fingers caress her neck, her head tips back and she shivers beneath the featherlight touch. It feels so good. Her memories of that liquor-soaked first time are hazy, and this feels incredible, different now that she's sober. 519

As if Stuie knows this, his touches become even softer, more knowing, filled with a tenderness that opens an ache wide inside her. It's not a sexual ache, either; she does remember what that feels like, the craving for fullness that only his cock could assuage.

No, this is so much different; this is an ache for the _man_ , for the lovely sum of his parts that make him lovable and wonderful and so very, very married, so very much not _hers_.

Nik thinks maybe _she's_ crying when Stuie brushes their lips together again. Part of her is thrilling at the wonder of this entire situation, the sensation of his hands and his lips making her body soften with arousal, and her mind with it.

But part of her is holding back, just a teensy bit, because she does know this isn't hers, that she has no right to it. She wants to stop him now for a different reason, to tell him it's not right. That his wife deserves _all_ of his love and affection and every orgasm he might have, not Nik.

Her heart pounds thunderously and her mind tries to hang onto the knowledge that what they're doing is wrong, that even if he hadn't caused that rift between them before, Nik helped shore up the chasm, and if not for _either_ of those things, Stuie remains married.

Nik wants him, of course she does. But she doesn't want him at the expense of someone else. It's wrong to kiss another man's husband, whether Nik is falling for him or not; whether he's willing or not.

Still, she can't quite bring that voice of reason to the forefront. Instead, she curls into his embrace, returning the kisses that make her feel drunk all over again, and she can't help the way her body moves, all of its own accord, really.

Her pelvis rocks forward and she finds herself pressing into him, searching for the friction of his erection against her softening folds. She can feel her body flowering open inside her panties, dripping wetness onto the fabric, readying her for the inevitable—she hopes—invasion. Which would not be so much an invasion as an invitation, Nik isn't stupid enough to delude herself. Five minutes of kissing Stuie and she's let go of everything that used to matter: her anger, Stuie's wife, the pregnancy. All that's left is an insatiable desire to have him inside of her, right now.

"Stuie," she mumbles against his velvet lips. "Please."

She doesn't actually have to say more than that, he seems to understand. On the same wavelength as she is, if the hard ridge of his cock nestling in-between her lower lips is any indication. He kisses her again, then, so carefully as if she is a flower that might bruise at the slightest touch, he lifts her into his arms and carries her to her bedroom.

Stuie places her on the bed with the utmost care, and his blue eyes are concerned when he meets her gaze. They are foggy with arousal, but nonetheless focused completely on her.

"The baby?" is all he asks, and Nik nods. She's about to do something stupid, again. Because while the baby is currently fine, and the doctor didn't say _not_ to have sex, she also never asked. But she's not going to say no. She doesn't think she _can_ turn Stuie down.

He hooks his fingers into the waistband of her pajama pants and drags them down, Nik lifting her hips a little to accommodate him. He works them off, her panties bunched inside them, and now Nik is half-naked to his gaze, bare and exposed.

And he's staring. He touches her with one fingertip, almost as if he's never seen a pussy before. It's weird, and Nik almost opens her mouth to say so, before strangling the urge as best she can. But what if he thinks she's ugly down there? What if now that he can see her, without clothes and alcohol helping to obscure his view, he's regretting this?

Though he seems to be doing something else altogether, Nik is forced to admit as he continues to explore her folds with his fingers. He seems to be… marvelling. Nik clenches her eyes shut in embarrassment and, without meaning to, tightens her thighs together.

Stuie makes her flush all over, perspiration springing up under her arms and behind her knees, when he nudges her legs apart again, further than before.

"Don't close up on me," he murmurs gently. "I wanna see."

Nik gasps against the implications of his words, body shuddering, a full-throated tremor running through her.

"Stuie—" she mewls, then hates herself for sounding so weak; Stuie presses a fingertip right up into the tiny opening where she throbs and aches and says,

"Wouldn't you want to admire what you were looking at? Look at me, Nik. Do you want to see _me_?"

Struggling to open her eyes against the blush of humiliation filling her, her eyes land on his groin, taking in the sight of his cock stretching out his jeans. She swallows, tries to speak, and is forced to nod because she can't get any words past her tightened throat.

"Tell me, Nikki," Stuie says, gently, but yet somehow it's an order all at the same time. "You've got me in your bed; it's what you wanted before, isn't it? Do you want to see me hard, dripping wet for you? Because I am. And I think you know it. I think deep inside is a yearning you're not ready to confess to yet. But, oh, I want to hear it."

"Please," Nik grates out. "Let me look at you too." Immediately she ducks her head down, feeling her cheeks become unbearably warm, but Stuie, with one hand, nudges her chin up, then, satisfied that she's watching him, begins to unbutton his jeans.

It's an all-button fly, which is an incredible tease as the blue of his underwear is revealed a tiny sliver at a time. His erection is taut against it, curving a little to the side, and Nik swallows against a dry throat that clicks, trying to wet her lips.

By the time Stuie has pulled out his cock in all its glory, naked and proudly erect, Nik has lost the ability to breathe.

By the gods, is he beautiful. So beautiful it hurts—and so unfair that this belongs to Melissa.

All at once Nik doesn't feel guilty anymore, but smug. This might _belong_ to Melissa, but it's here with her, right now. _He's_ with her. He's choosing to give her this, both the incredible sight of him and the pleasure she knows is in store for them both.

"Stuie," she says on a long, yearning exhale. She sounds like a teenager with her first crush again, but Nik doesn't care. At this moment, all she cares about is getting her hands on his cock, and then fitting him inside her the way she knows he'll fit, hot and steel-strong and perfect.

Nik moans as his fingers find her opening again, delving into her, easily now because her wetness has doubled just from seeing him. When he slicks one finger up and eases it inside, he uses the other hand to ruck up her shirt, and while she wants to complain, to feel the self-consciousness she knows is there, her body is too much like melted chocolate to give in.

Or maybe that's the trouble, that she's giving in. Either way, her hips are roving up to meet his fingers, restlessly moving in circles on the bed, and before Nik can wrap her mind around the fact that, _yes, this is really happening,_ Stuie's warm body is covering hers, his heat enveloping her, as his cock pushes against the entrance to her body, sliding in slowly inch by inch.


End file.
